


A High-Functioning Disarray

by Tamasha



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: ADHD, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Autism, Awkwardness, Boys' Love, Colors, Feels, First Meetings, Fluff, Gay, Happy Ending, Learning Disabilities, Love, M/M, Modern Era, Painting, Panic Attacks, Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-06
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2018-03-29 07:02:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3886765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamasha/pseuds/Tamasha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur is in his first year of college and struggling with ADHD. In his Chemistry class, he meets Merlin, an autistic boy who perceives the world through colors.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> written by Tamara

The professor's lectures were never great, but this one was particularly dull. Arthur just wanted to get out of class to get back outside; it was beautiful out. He had football practice later, but Arthur was never very good at sitting inside just listening to someone speak at him. That’s what class felt like. It was like someone was standing in front of a group of students just talking at them, not really caring if anyone comprehended the information. It was too boring to bear, and it took all of Arthur’s willpower to stay in this stuffy room.

But it wasn’t that bad. Arthur should consider himself lucky; his father was paying for his education. Not all the students here were that lucky. And most actually wanted to be here. A free education was rare and Arthur shouldn’t take advantage of that. He did want to get his degree one day; if he was going to actually make a change, he needed to start somewhere. So if community college was the place to start, then community college it was.

Arthur let his shoulders fall, and he tried to sit up straighter to listen better. For some reason this always made him pay attention. Arthur was an athlete, so physical posture was something he always paid attention to. If he could get his body to listen, his mind would follow. “The basic structure of an atom has three main parts.” Arthur took a deep breath; he knew this. He had just covered it last year in his senior chemistry class. Why didn’t all high school credits transfer over to community colleges? However, it was not the time to get frustrated with the school system, it was time to listen.

After adjusting his posture, if Arthur still couldn’t absorb the information, he would try tapping his pencil. If he tapped every time the teacher said a common word, he could absorb a lot more information. And at the very least, it gave Arthur something to do with his hands. Arthur liked doing things with his hands.

Tap.

Tap.

Tap.

“Stop.”

Arthur stopped tapping his pencil and looked at where the voice had come from. It was from the kid behind him. The boy had black hair that was covered by an ugly green and blue knit hat with a pom-pom on top. He was glaring at Arthur. “Sorry,” Arthur said apologetically. Geeze. It shouldn’t have been such a big deal that Arthur was tapping his pencil on his desk.

The kid’s clothes were in a disheveled mess. Nothing matched, it was all wrinkled, and all of it was too big. “It’s just… Yeah, thanks.” Satisfied, he went back to his notebook. There were more doodles than actual notes. Arthur wasn’t even sure if the boy was really listening, because none of the drawings seemed to resemble anything the professor had been discussing.

After some time, the bell finally rang, releasing them to their next class. Arthur had a break before his history class, so he decided to go to the library. The sun was bright, as Arthur had expected, and the light breeze was welcoming. Maybe he would study outside today. It was so lovely. Arthur found a spot on the grass that seemed relatively nice. He pulled out his books from his backpack and began to look through his history book. He wasn’t really reading, mostly skimming. It would take a lot more energy to actually read this textbook.

Many students had left for the day; Arthur didn’t understand why more students took morning classes than late classes. It was nicer here later in the afternoon. Arthur enjoyed sleeping in, but his school schedule also made sense with his football practices. Practice wasn’t till 6:30, so Arthur needed to be here late anyway and it just made sense. There weren’t many students wandering the calm campus, but Arthur realized one of them was that boy from his Chemistry class. The dirty one who had told him to stop tapping his pencil.

He looked lost. He was pacing in front of one of the buildings. His arms flailed wildly, as if they weren't attached to his body anymore. Arthur watched him for a moment longer and realized something might actually be wrong. With a sigh, Arthur decided he might as well see if he could help the poor kid. Arthur neared the boy, realizing that he was frantic. He didn’t notice Arthur at first.

“Hey, you alright?” Arthur called, still a ways off. The kid didn’t turn around. “Hey.” Arthur was closer now, but the boy kept pacing, mumbling to himself. Arthur couldn’t make out what he was saying. “You all right?” Now Arthur was close enough to touch the boy to get his attention.

“What!?” The boy swung around and nearly hit Arthur with is still-flailing hands.

Arthur took a step back and lifted his arms, happy that at least now the boy knew he was there, despite his deep confusion. “Sorry. Hey, are you okay?”

With his hat removed, Arthur realized the boy had really adorable big ears. But he looked like he was near tears now, and Arthur felt bad for him. “It has a handle.”

“What?” Arthur looked around, but the boy wasn’t pointing at anything.

“It has a handle that is vertical. How can it be vertical? It won’t push, and it won’t turn. It’s just vertical. I’m supposed to do this alone, but if I can’t open a door by myself then how am I supposed to be in college?” He was nearly shouting, and Arthur was beginning to regret coming over here.

“The door? You pull it, see?” Arthur moved slowly to the door and pulled gently, showing him how it worked. Arthur hoped he didn’t come off as condescending; it wasn’t clear exactly what was going on in the kid’s head, but something was certainly off.

The big eared boy watched Arthur and took a deep breath, trying to cleanse himself of his embarrassment, perhaps. He straightened out his blue and red sweater. “Heh,” he laughed to himself, “I should have tried that.”

That was a quick transition. The boy picked up his bag, which Arthur now noticed was on the ground next to where he had been pacing, and walked through the door. Arthur wanted to follow him, but it was like the boy didn’t even know Arthur was there. Baffled, Arthur went back to his spot on the grass and picked up his history book again. He looked back at the door the boy had disappeared into. Then, back to his book, Arthur began reading about the American Civil War.

 

~~~~~~

 

Purple. Red. Blue. Green and Grey. No, Grey and Green. Seven is probably Hazel, but Merlin wanted it to be Yellow. The teacher’s voice was definitely Orange. It had sharp edges and long stretched out tones. Definitely Orange. Merlin looked at his book in front of him on his desk. It was Blue and Yellow; Merlin hated that combination. Nothing should be Blue and Yellow. Merlin pulled out his Red Sharpie and began fixing that.

“What are you doing, mate?” Someone was speaking to Merlin, but if they had something more to say to him, they could keep talking. Merlin didn’t need to explain himself to a stranger. “Hey… I don’t think you can do that.”

Sure I can. I am doing it aren’t I? Merlin didn’t understand why people thought he was the one with a problem. People were so dumb sometimes. He was Green, though, the boy talking to him. He was Green, and Merlin didn’t hate Green. He liked it most of the time. Especially this shade of Green, it was like a tree or the grass in Merlin’s front yard. Merlin decided to look at the Green person next to him.

He had long Brown hair that layed on his shoulders. He had facial hair. Facial hair always reminded Merlin of dirt. He wanted to paint a Green tree with Brown dirt around it. He would have to remember that. Merlin would call him Tree-Man now. “Thanks, Tree-Man.”

“What?” Did Tree-Man not hear him? “Sorry, mate, I wasn’t trying to be rude, I just thought… Sorry. I’m Gwaine.” Tree-Man stuck out his hand. Merlin looked at it for a moment. He had to touch it. Shake it. Right? Why did people always touch hands to greet? It made no sense. Merlin didn’t want to do it, so he wasn’t going to. He went back to fixing his book.

Blue and Red. Or was it Red and Blue? Merlin liked Red more. The boy in science was Red. Red and Gold. Merlin liked Red and Gold together. A lot. It wasn’t as good as Red and Blue. That was Merlin’s favorite. But at least the boy in science wasn’t Red and Purple or Red and Yellow. Yellow was the worst. Merlin liked it sometimes, but mostly it didn’t go with any color. It went well with Silver though. Yellow could be paired with Silver. Merlin would need to make a Yellow and Silver painting now. That was two things to paint when he got home. Merlin needed a third. Maybe a Red and Gold lion. That would be good. Merlin could do three paintings tonight. Hopefully he wouldn’t have to do a fourth. Merlin didn’t want to be up late again tonight. But if he thought of a fourth, he would have to do it tonight.

“Excuse me, Mr. Emrys.” Merlin remembered he should have been paying attention to something in the room. The teacher. The professor, right?

“Yes?”

“Do you have another class to attend?” Merlin looked around the empty room and realized that this class must have ended. Merlin looked at his book; he was almost done. He would just finish, then go. “Merlin. I think you should go to your next class…”

She seemed mad. Or annoyed. Merlin never could tell the difference. Everyone seemed mad when they talked to him, so it was best to just ignore them. “I will.”

“I need to go home, Merlin. Do you think you could finish it later?” She was still Orange, but her words were turning darker. Almost Brown. Merlin got nervous around Brown words. Brown words were not very good. Merlin hurried the last corner of the Yellow print he was covering up, and picked up the book. The floor was Grey and had Burgandy specks on it. It was sprinkled. Merlin liked sprinkles. And Burgundy was almost Red. Red was good.

Merlin watched the ground move under him, taking him somewhere new. Merlin didn’t know where it was taking him, but soon the ground changed to Grey concrete, and Merlin looked up at the Blue sky. He was outside. Merlin put on his Blue and Green hat and pulled out his silky Red handkerchief. It was smooth and soft, and made Merlin feel light Blue, like the sky. Relaxed again, Merlin realized he had to go to one more class today. It was somewhere he had been before, but Merlin couldn’t remember how to get there. The path to it was blotchy, not one defined color. Why didn’t the path to his next class have a solid color?

A deep breath. Almond. It was Almond color. The inside of an Almond. Like Merlin’s skin. He had Algebra next. That class was Black. The whole room felt unwelcoming and a deeply disturbingly Black. Merlin rubbed his handkerchief again, too nervous to follow the Almond path to the Black class. But he had to. He was supposed to be an adult now. He told his mother that he didn’t need a helper anymore.

Helpers only talked to him in Brown words. Merlin couldn’t learn from Brown words. Brown words made Merlin feel bad, and Merlin didn’t like to feel Brown. He wanted to feel Blue. Like the sky, or the water. Any kind of Blue would do. Red made him feel Blue. His Red handkerchief. And the Red boy in science, who helped him open the door. Merlin almost forgot that the Red boy helped him too. He was very Red. Merlin liked Red.


	2. Chapter 2

Arthur had to eat a late lunch today. He hadn’t eaten before he left the house, so he had to eat the cafeteria food. It wasn’t so bad, but Arthur usually avoided it. The line was tedious, and the food was a bit pricey for the quality. But he had to eat at some point today, and he hadn't packed anything.

The sandwich was soggy and the pickles were dill. The chips they gave him were ranch and blue cheese flavor, not BBQ. Arthur sucked it up and ate what was in front of him. He had paid for it, and there was no way he was waiting in that line again.

The dirty, big-eared boy walked in the back door of the cafeteria. He was watching the ground as he walked. He held a brown paper bag in his left hand, and a red handkerchief in his right. To Arthur’s disappointment, he sat at Arthur’s table. Right across from Arthur.

“Hello.” The boy twitched a bit, making it clear he had heard Arthur, but he didn’t look up. Arthur waited for a response, but it was clear he wasn’t going to get one. “You are in my Chemistry class, right?”

“Red to blue. Then blue to red. I am in science with you, yes. Did you need something?” He wasn’t looking at Arthur, he was just watching himself unwrap his sandwich. It was like the boy wasn’t really present. He was trying to be, but wasn’t.

“I just wanted to say ‘hello’.” Arthur went back to his own sandwich and decided to ignore his odd companion.

“Merlin.”

“Sorry, what?” Arthur hadn’t expected him to say anything after such a long silence.

The boy looked at Arthur. Well, it was more like he looked past him. “My name. I’m Merlin. You are -”

“Arthur.” Merlin seemed uninterested in what Arthur had said because he finished over Arthur’s introduction.

“Red.”

“Red?”

“It’s better if you are red, but I’ll call you Arthur.” Merlin went back to his sandwich.

His red handkerchief was on the table right next to him. “What is this for?” Arthur went to grab it, but his hand was slapped before he could reach it.

“It’s mine,” he snapped. “Don’t take what isn’t yours.”

“I wasn’t going to take it.” Arthur didn’t know why he was still talking to Merlin. Clearly the boy wasn’t going to have a normal conversation with him. “I just liked the color.”

With that, Merlin’s head snapped up. He looked at Arthur with pure joy on his face. “Of course you do. You are red. Last night I painted a red and gold lion. You would like that too. If you combine red and gold you get burgundy sometimes, but you have to do it just right, and your eyes are blue which is good, because blue needs to be with red. It always happens. Except I don’t know if you are really really red, because you might not like blue.”

“I like blue…” Arthur wasn’t sure what was going on, but he felt the need to defend himself.

Merlin looked even more excited. “You do!? That’s good. I’m glad you like blue.”

Arthur chuckled. It was weird, but somehow talking about colors brought this boy to life. Animated, the boy was endearing. “So, you paint?”

“How did you know I paint?” Merlin looked more offended than confused.

“You said you painted a red and gold lion last night…”

He cocked his head to one side then took a deep breath as if he was remembering something from long ago. “I paint whatever I think of. Anything can be painted, whatever you imagine. It’s easier than talking.”

“Well you are doing enough of that now,” Arthur joked as he picked up his soggy sandwich again. Merlin remained silent. Arthur looked back at the boy and realized he was no longer animated. “I was kidding.”

“Your words turned brown.” He began wrapping up his sandwich and Arthur started to feel like he did something wrong.

Arthur wanted him to stay, for some reason. He was interesting in a way. Weird, but interesting. “I’m sorry. No, was that bad? Are brown words bad?”

“How did you do that?” Merlin stopped packing up his lunch. “How did you turn your words red again?”

Clearly Merlin didn’t like brown. Maybe Arthur being sarcastic offended him, and that made Arthur a color Merlin didn’t like. So, Arthur had to stay red, was it? Merlin called him red earlier. “I don’t know. But I am sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you.”

“I don’t normally talk like that. Well, not usually at all. Usually people laugh at me when I talk like that. They have brown words, and make me feel bad. I shouldn’t talk like that. I know better. My therapist says I need to stop talking about colors.” He looked up suddenly as if he had said something embarrassing. “Sorry. I should just shut up.” He went back to his food, unwrapping his sandwich again.

At least he was going to stay. “I think it’s fascinating. You are just passionate.” That’s exactly what it was. It was passion. Merlin had more passion for something as simple as colors than Arthur had in his entire existence.

“So it’s not freaking you out?” Merlin smiled. He had a great smile. Arthur had to smile too, just looking at him.

Arthur started to become aware of himself. Was he really forming a crush on this kid? There was so much wrong with that. Arthur knew he was gay since, well, since anyone knew they were anything, but this boy was that last person he would expect to have a crush on. He was nothing like anyone Arthur had ever met. He was a fascinating mess, but a mess nonetheless. But damn that smile. Arthur decided they could be friends. Harmless friends. “I’m not freaked out at all, Merlin. I like listening to you talk.”

“Even if it’s only about colors,” Merlin wondered sadly.

“Especially if it’s only about colors. That’s what interests you, isn’t it?” Merlin nodded energetically, with a bite of food in his mouth. Arthur smiled and noded back. “Good. So it’s settled. No more brown words.” Arthur hoped he understood Merlin’s odd color assignments for things.

“Okay. Good.” Merlin responded cheerfully. It was enough to make Arthur feel warm and silly inside.

 

~~~~~~~

 

Merlin had to follow the Amaranth pathway to the bus stop. He could remember the path to the bus stop easily, because Amaranth was also a plant. Merlin didn’t know much about the plant, but someone told him that once, and he always remembered that. It was a good color too. The bus stop was a darker Maroon than normal. It made Merlin nervous. He almost turned around to go back to his Amber class. No, it was Science class. Merlin took a deep breath in. That was what he was supposed to do.

No more colors.

He promised he could do this on his own. The bus pulled up - that was definitely not White and Violet - and Merlin stepped forward. He stopped with a pit in his stomach. He saw who was sitting on the bus stop bench. It was Red. It was Arthur. Merlin had trouble with names, but he could remember Arthur’s.

“Arthur,” Merlin heard his voice call out before he realized it.

Red turned to Blue. No, Arthur turned to Merlin, making him feel… not Blue… happy, excited, gleeful, silly and wonderful. Everything Blue. “Hello, Merlin. How are you?” Merlin pulled out his Red handkerchief. He relaxed again, and looked at Arthur’s shirt. It was striped with Red.

Red.

Merlin blinked, forgetting the colors. Or trying to forget. “I’m doing well. Are you taking the bus?”

“Yes, I am. Sit with me?” Merlin was glad to accept Arthur’s offer, but he had to keep his handkerchief out. He was nervous around Arthur, even if he was Red.

Arthur followed Merlin into the bus and sat next to him. Too close. Merlin knew he liked Arthur, but he didn’t know why. And he certainly didn’t know why Arthur was so interested in him. Merlin had heard someone say that being gay meant that one man liked another man in a way that men normally like women. Merlin liked Arthur, but he had never liked a woman before, so he didn’t know if this meant he was gay or not, but he sure was nervous.

The bus ride ended, Merlin needed to leave, but Arthur said Merlin should hang out. “Why don’t you take the next stop with me and come over?”

“I have to take this stop.” He always got off on 5th avenue.

Arthur didn’t get up. “Come on. My house is just at the next stop, Merlin. We can eat ice cream and watch Batman.”

“I have to get off the bus, Arthur.” Merlin squeezed the handkerchief, but that wasn’t enough. The world started to fade. Colors swirling. “He’s going to leave. Please I need to get off.” Merlin’s voice echoed in his ears. He knew he should have been calm, but he wasn’t Blue, he was far from Blue. He had darkened to Black. Merlin never wanted to feel Black, but he got Black sometimes when he lost control.

Arthur’s words turned Brown. “It’s okay. Calm down.”

It was Black.

Merlin forgot where he was.

“Let’s get off the bus” were the Red words Merlin heard.

They came from Arthur. Merlin was sitting on a bench on 5th avenue. The right bus stop. Arthur was standing in front of him, panting slightly, and looked nearly Rose. Very light Red. Merlin had turned him light Red. It didn’t make Merlin feel Blue, but he wasn’t Black anymore.

“Sorry,” Merlin croaked. “I am really sorry, Arthur.” Merlin knew better. He should have known better.

“It’s okay, Merlin. I shouldn't have tried to make you do something you didn’t want to do.” Arthur somehow understood, but Merlin still knew he made Arthur less Red, and that made Merlin less Blue.

Merlin realized Arthur had grabbed his bag. “I’ll take that.” Merlin took it back and began to walk the Bronze path home.

A Red voice called out, “Merlin, wait.” It was two blocks and Merlin would be home. He could paint and become Blue again, but hearing the Red voice already made Merlin feel Blue. “Please, I’m sorry. Don’t be mad.”

Merlin swirled around. “I’m not mad. Aren’t you mad?”

Arthur walked fast to Merlin. “No. Not at all, Merlin. I didn’t mean to freak you out, but I clearly made you uncomfortable.”

“I’m sorry. I made you less Red. I sometimes go Black, and it’s hard to stop. I just… They say it’s because I like routine. They told me I should keep my habits. It keeps me calm.”

“Yeah. I understand. Well, I’ll let you get home. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Arthur said in Carnelian tone. It was close enough that Merlin felt like he had been forgiven. Arthur was only less Red because he was sad for Merlin not being Blue. It made sense. Finally something made sense to Merlin.

But Arthur was leaving, making Merlin so very un-Blue. Unhappy. That’s what it was. Sad, lonely, desperate for Arthur to return. “Don’t go.”

Arthur stopped. “Are you sure?”

“Yes. I’m not as Blue when I’m not with you.”

Arthur smiled. “You are so weird.” But his voice wasn’t Brown, he was still Red. He was glowing Red. “But I like you a lot, Merlin, and I don’t know what to do about that.”

“You can be my friend. I’d like to hang out with you. I can go to your house. It’s okay.”

“I don’t think you understand what I mean when I say I like you, Merlin…” Arthur was sad. Less Red. If he liked Merlin, why was he sad? Why did that mean they couldn’t hang out? Why couldn’t Merlin just understand what he meant? It was already so simple. Arthur was more Red when he was with Merlin. And Merlin was more Blue when he was with Arthur. Why didn’t Arthur see that?

“Yes I do,” Merlin snapped. “You make me feel more Blue. Blue and Red need to be together. It makes sense. It’s not supposed to be Blue and Black. Just Red and Blue. I don’t want you to leave. It’s really hard to be Blue when you are walking away.” Merlin was desperate.

Arthur walked back to Merlin, he looked desperate too, but Merlin couldn’t see his Red. “You don’t get it, Merlin. I like you. I want to date you. I want to be with you. But I don’t think I can.”

“Why?” Merlin was angry and turning Catalina Blue.

“Because you are autistic,” Arthur shouted. Brown. So Brown. So upsettingly and disturbingly Brown. Merlin didn’t know he could lose all of his color in one swipe. Merlin felt White. Empty. Like a canvas with nothing on it. No Blue. No Red. Not even Brown.

“I should go.”

Just White.

 

~~~~~~~

 

Two days had passed and Arthur still hadn’t seen Merlin. They had hung out a bit at school the past few weeks, and really got on, but after what happened two days ago, Arthur was sure he wouldn’t see Merlin again. Merlin had dropped Chemistry already, so that certainly meant that Merlin was avoiding him.

Arthur didn’t even know how to make it up to him. He still wanted to be friends with Merlin, or at least apologize, but Merlin wouldn’t let that happen, even if Arthur was able to find him. And even if Arthur did apologize, and became his friend again, that didn’t change anything. Arthur would still like Merlin way too much, and Merlin would still be autistic. It didn’t feel right. But he did like Merlin. And Merlin, from what Arthur understood of him, liked Arthur.

He was in his bed, covered in his warm sheets. He rubbed his eyes and rolled to his side. It wasn’t fair. Arthur wanted to be with Merlin. He missed him, even though it had only been two days. Arthur didn’t even know him that well. But he missed him, still.

It wasn’t like Merlin couldn’t make his own decisions. It wasn’t like Merlin wasn’t capable of telling Arthur no. In fact, it was pretty clear when Merlin didn’t want to do something. Arthur chuckled to himself, remembering how Merlin refused to take the Chestnut path to class one day. Merlin just had his own way of doing things. So did Arthur. Arthur had to tap a pencil to listen to a lecture in class. Arthur couldn’t focus on anything that didn’t involve some kind of physical attention. There was a lot that Arthur could relate to with Merlin. But Merlin’s idiosyncrasies were so much more severe than Arthur’s. That didn’t mean Merlin was lesser than Arthur, but did it mean that it was okay to be with him?

Arthur thought again about Merlin’s face that day. It wasn’t like Arthur had said anything untrue, but he shouldn’t have said it. Not like that. Merlin didn’t deserve that. Arthur didn’t understand what made all this feel wrong. Why did he feel like he was the one deciding for Merlin? That wasn’t right. If Merlin wanted to be with him, then Merlin could decide to be with him on his own. He didn’t need Arthur to tell him he couldn’t make that decision. That wasn’t Arthur’s place.

Just because Merlin thought differently than others. Just because Merlin assigned colors to everything he saw, everything he felt, everything. Just because he was utterly and totally Merlin. That didn’t mean that Arthur was better than him, or could make decisions for him. It didn’t mean that Merlin had a disability. It meant that Merlin, like everyone, had his own way of doing things. And Arthur did the absolute worst thing you could do to a person: he made him feel like he was unsuitable.

Arthur sat up quickly. He had felt guilty before, but now he felt really remorseful. He had to fix it. As soon as possible. No, now. Arthur had to make it right. He pulled out his phone and called the number that had been saved, but not yet dialed: Merlin’s. Arthur didn’t think he would answer, but it would be a start. He didn’t want to be too dramatic, but the next step was to show up at Merlin’s house, so he hoped Merlin answered.

Just as Arthur expected, Merlin ignored the call. Arthur threw on his jeans and red hoodie, and walked decisively to his father’s car. He didn’t even ask if he could borrow it. He needed to make things right. If it was anyone else, it could wait, but Arthur cared about Merlin. He really did. And Arthur had been arrogant and stupid before, but not like this. And not to someone like Merlin. Arthur wanted to retroactively make things right, but since he couldn’t do that, doing it now was the next best option. He hoped that he hadn’t messed up entirely.

 

~~~~~~~

 

Not going to school made things feel Charcoal. It wasn’t quite Black, but it wasn’t a good color either. Merlin hadn’t painted in two days. The canvas stayed White. It didn’t need to be filled. Merlin didn’t know what to fill it with anyway. What did it matter? Merlin could have painted, he had some ideas, but he didn’t feel the motivation to get up and paint them.

He knew it was because of Arthur. He knew that Arthur had made him White, which was empty and broken. But what Merlin didn’t understand was why he was still upset about it. Merlin had never had any friends before, so why did he feel like he needed Arthur to still be his friend? Why did he long to have Arthur around him, if Arthur had said something so Brown? Merlin rolled over in his bed to his back. He hadn’t felt Blue in days. He loved the way Arthur’s Red had felt. Merlin’s handkerchief didn’t bring the same kind of Blue that Arthur’s Red gave him. But Arthur didn’t want to be with him. He didn’t want to be with someone like Merlin…

Merlin sat up and hugged his knees. He wouldn’t sleep anyway, so why try? Arthur had been on his mind for two whole days and Merlin was ready to forget about him. So why couldn’t he? Then, Merlin looked at his painting of the Gold and Red lion. It was because Merlin wanted to be with Arthur the way that some people called gay. The way that some people called love. But Merlin wanted to be with Arthur in the way that he called Blue and Red.

The doorbell rang and Merlin’s mother answered. Merlin heard a familiar voice in the entry hall, and his heart sunk. Why was he here? Was Arthur going to speak more Brown words to him? Why couldn’t he just leave Merlin alone? Then came a knock on Merlin’s door.

“Merlin. You have a visitor. It’s your friend Arthur.” Merlin’s mother knocked again and Merlin wished she would get the hint to take Arthur away. She didn’t.

Arthur opened the door slowly and peeked in hesitantly. He was Carnelian. Still not Red, but he wasn’t Brown. “Hey, Merlin.” He walked in fully and shut the door behind him. “Look, if you want me to leave, fine. I understand. But let me just say one thing. Okay?” Merlin nodded and crossed his legs. Arthur closed his eyes and breathed in. “The other day I said something Brown. And I am sorry. I was acting very Yellow, and Chartreuse. I made you feel White and I should have made you feel Blue. Merlin, I was a jerk. I thought that I understood something, but I was wrong. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t mean to make you feel like you were less than me. Or like you were insufficient. It was stupid of me, and I shouldn’t have said that. Look, I know that you probably don’t want to see me again, but I miss you, and I just wanted to tell you how very sorry I am.”

How did Arthur know which colors were right? How did Arthur understand? Merlin could see how Black Arthur was feeling right now. Merlin knew Black was not good, and Arthur didn’t need to feel like that. “How do you feel when I am Blue, Arthur?”

“What do you mean?” Maybe he didn’t understand.

“Just. How do you feel, Arthur?”

Arthur sat at the foot bed. “I feel very Red, Merlin.” Though Merlin had told Arthur a million times that Arthur was Red, Merlin felt like he really did feel Red. The feeling of Red was there, and with that, Merlin started to feel Blue again.

“Do you still want to be my friend?”

“Yes.”

“Just my friend?”

“No.” Arthur wasn’t looking at Merlin, he was still ashamed, still Black. Maybe a little Charcoal now, but not Red at all.

Merlin moved closer to Arthur, examining him closely. “Why aren’t you Red, then?”

“What?” He looked up, and Merlin looked him in the eye. They said that Merlin never did that, but Merlin could finally see Arthur’s true colors. Underneath, he was Gold, like the lion. He was good and honest. He didn’t mean to hurt Merlin. He was just confused. But Arthur wasn’t confused anymore. Arthur knew what he wanted, but he was waiting for Merlin.

“You aren’t Red right now, why are you still Black?”

Arthur breathed out, “Because, Merlin, I don’t want to ever make you feel anything other than Blue, ever again. I feel Black because I made you feel Black.” It was weird, but it made sense. Because Arthur liked Merlin, he felt empathy. Empathy was part of Arthur’s Gold. “Will you forgive me?”

“Yes. Of course.” Merlin didn’t know he had to say it. He hadn’t asked Arthur to leave yet, so of course he was forgiven. “I see you’re Gold. You are more like the lion than you think.” Arthur eyed the painting and smiled. He looked back at Merlin and met his eye again. It was easier now. Arthur made everything easy and Blue.

“So you feel Blue again?” Arthur was desperate and perfect. His Black was starting to fade to his Red.

Merlin nodded and closed his eyes. “I feel so Blue when I’m with you Arthur. I want to make you Red again.” When Merlin opened his eyes again, Arthur was smiling, making him glow with Red and shine with Gold.

 

~~~~~~~

 

Another week had passed and Arthur and Merlin were inseparable. Arthur learned more about Merlin and autism in general. He knew he would need patience, but Merlin would be worth it. Through it all, he would be worth it. The more time they spent together, the more Arthur understood Merlin. He had his quirks still, but they just made him more Merlin. And Arthur loved Merlin.

He loved Merlin.

It was a weird thought, but Arthur felt like it was true. He felt like he finally understood what Merlin meant about the whole Red and Blue thing. The more time they spent together, the more they felt like they were finding themselves. Merlin made Arthur more Arthur, and vice versa. They were part of each other, just different colors. They were Red and Blue. And despite everything working against them, they would find a way through it. There was no color Arthur would rather be than the color of Merlin: a high-functioning disarray of Blue that made Arthur feel so very perfectly and completely Red.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry this took so long to update! I hope you all enjoyed the ending! Thank you for sticking with me! Lots of love!


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